When you’re a father in a marriage you sort of become the mother’s assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.
When two kids are being completely berserk and they’re naked and throwing food around sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they’re going to be dressed and they’re going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
When I was first divorced I started dating younger women and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like ‘This is just dumb.’
When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch people smile at us.
Well when I was younger I lied all the time because once you understand the power of lying it’s really like magic because you transform reality for people.
To me art supplies are always okay to buy.
There’s no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
The problem is the more famous you get the more people see you who didn’t choose to.
I’ve met a lot of people who’ve lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
It’s kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody’s looking at me.