What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
There’s so little money in my bank account my scenic checks show a ghetto.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep or I’d be rotten to the core.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument a bank has just been robbed.