What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller Christmas Quote

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Phyllis Diller Teacher Quote

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

Phyllis Diller Work Quote

There’s so little money in my bank account my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Phyllis Diller Money Quote

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Phyllis Diller Women Quote

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Phyllis Diller Wedding Quote

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller Thanksgiving Quote

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep or I’d be rotten to the core.

Phyllis Diller Beauty Quote

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Phyllis Diller Best Quote

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument a bank has just been robbed.

Phyllis Diller Time Quote