I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Rita Rudner Medical Quote

I want to have children but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Rita Rudner Parenting Quote

I get a lot of return business. I think it’s all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

Rita Rudner Business Quote

Before I met my husband I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner Love Quote

A man will go to war fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.

Rita Rudner War Quote

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner Women Quotes

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well it’s cheaper and you get more feet.

Rita Rudner Pet Quotes

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Rita Rudner Funny Quotes

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Rita Rudner Marriage Quotes

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.

Rita Rudner Great Quotes