Drawing on my fine command of the English language I said nothing.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things and I have succeeded fairly well.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Robert Benchley Funny Quotes

A real hangover is nothing to try out family remedies on. The only cure for a real hangover is death.

I know I’m drinking myself to a slow death but then I’m in no hurry.

Robert Benchley Death Quotes

A dog teaches a boy fidelity perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

Robert Benchley Pet Quotes