I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said ‘What for?’ I said ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
How young can you die of old age?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Babies don’t need a vacation but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’
I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
If God dropped acid would he see people?
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I’m gone.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights so it looks like I’m the only one moving.